Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
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DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Banana is the quietest snack
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
hmmm
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit