ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
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My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
“What?”
– Jude
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
One venti cheeseburger please.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.