Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
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If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.