It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
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*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Pretty much! 😂👀
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.