I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
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I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]