Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 馃槀馃槀
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me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
6: you鈥檒l always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you鈥檒l always be my baby!
6: what if you鈥檙e dead
me: wtf
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can鈥檛 wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
So I go to McDonalds & I鈥檓 ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I鈥檓 taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Halloween is the best because it鈥檚 the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it鈥檚 that these multimillionaire business owners won鈥檛 get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
who will stop them
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn鈥檛 a problem. i鈥檓 totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i鈥檒l be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Yeah. This was me today.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
getting carded isn鈥檛 cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i鈥檓 not here to have fun. hand over the substances