My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
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$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Best mom ever 😂
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Feels like the fourth month in January
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.