Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
You Might Also Like
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Dance like you’re not the father
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.