I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
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If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.