[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
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If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”