One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
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Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Very good! 👍😂
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.