[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
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me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda