I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
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Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Poetry is my passion
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)