[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
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Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*