Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
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Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
March 16
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.