The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
You Might Also Like
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Tier 3 meme
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.