I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
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I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.