i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
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Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
listen closely
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes