JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
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What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia