I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
PARKOUR
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Not my job 😂