This woman is my idol. Free her.
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Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Hmm, not sure about this change
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”