My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
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He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.