8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
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When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.