Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
You Might Also Like
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6