My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
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*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup