I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
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Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”