I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Dolls on drugs
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.