[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
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Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo