Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
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me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
worst…sale…ever
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.