a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
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“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Baking is just science you can eat.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
…żyje?
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN