To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
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Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance