Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
You Might Also Like
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in