Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
choose your gary
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.