“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
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Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Thank you corporation very cool
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist