Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
You Might Also Like
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.