Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
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I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.