I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
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Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Need this in my life lol
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Brands during Pride
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.