I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I don’t get marriage
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers