Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
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“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I’m giving up for Lent.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*