Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
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Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
What?
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.