If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
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Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee