“Great, now I have to pee.”
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DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
i choose….tongue
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.