Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
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[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions