*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
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Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush