Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
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Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.