I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
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3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise