Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.