If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
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Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.