Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
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I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
eggs benadryl
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?