why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
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I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.